Sunday afternoon, I got together with one of my best friends for our much needed Margarita Sessions. Usually we discuss the "joys" of dating in your mid-twenties over tequila laden Margs and greasy mexican food, but we had to settle for locally brewed beer and overpriced burgers this time. I think the lack of spice and south of the border liquor impacted our conversation because we didn't shatter any earth. Or, maybe it just took longer to take effect because earth was shattered on Tuesday. Ok, maybe not shattered but we chipped away at it...The text from my BF of "can u tlk" at 9:30 at night told me she needed me...or at least my ear.
We talked about her current relationship and some issues that had been stewing and finally came to a head as she was waiting for her boyfriend at his apartment while he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend who was in town. I'm not going to go into conversation specifics because it was a long talk, but I do want to explore what we discussed in the grand scheme of relationships and love. Ultimately, our conversation came down to one thing: it's ok to find someone that's on the same page at the same pace working towards the same goal as you are and that it's NOT OK to apologize for knowing what you want out of life and a partner.
We've all had relationships that we've stayed in and made excuses. Some have been bigger than others, but we've all done it. We know that we both want marriage and kids. In this general context, she and I are feeling the same way about what we want. I may be feeling it more strongly than she is, but nonetheless, we are in the same boat. Now, I understand that, on a first date, you NEVER bust out with "So I'm ready to get married and have babies. Are you? And when?" But, after 6 months or so of seriously dating someone, is it wrong to assess whether that man is ready to pursue that goal with you in the future? I say it's not. If you're on the marriage/kids path, the whole point of dating is to see if this man could be a potential life partner. If you realize at some point, that he is not the man that is ready to spend his life with you eventually, is it wrong to split or should you stick it out and see if he changes his mind? I say split.
At this point in our mid-twenties (25 & 26), I don't think it's too much to ask for a man to be ready to also assess the potential of forever. Actually, most of the men we are dating are 3-8 years older than we are so I REALLY don't think it's too much to ask. So, at 6 months into exclusivity in said relationship, is it better to assess the future potential of this mate now rather than waste a whole year only to find what you already knew at 6 months? Now, I'm not saying to give an ultimatium of engagement by now or you're out, but I do think it's ok to step back and take a long, hard look at your relationship. Interestingly enough, during this conversation, I got a text from an MIA guy I had been seeing off and on for a couple months but had already developed fairly strong feelings for him even though I tried to ignore it because I didn't feel that I was getting what I told him I needed from him.
I got on IM and we talked about the newest issue in his life which spurned me to transition into talk about us, what I needed from him, if he was willing to give it, and how he felt about me. Unfortunately, the conversation only solidified what I already knew in my gut. Long before 6 months or any talk of exclusivity, I had to assess the situation and remove myself from it. At first, I wanted to cry because the feeling of someone not returning the same feelings you have for them hurts. But, then, drawing on my conversation with my BF, I decided to NOT apologize for knowing what I want and instead decided to pat myself on the back for being able to make a conscious decision to stick to what I know I need. I guess the only thing I need now is my movie back from his house.
Some people might say that I have made a rash decision to take him out of my dating pool so soon, but I disagree. He made it very clear that he either could not or was not willing to give me what I need...whether it was now, 6 months, or a year down the road. Now, there is room for someone who will. I'm still not sure what my BF is going to do in her situation but I know she'll make the decision that's right for her just like I made the decision that's right for me. Even though we have our moments of weakness or self loathing, it's a great feeling to know that, overall, we have reached the point in our lives where we know what we want and that we're done feeling badly about it. Now, we just have to find the man that thinks that's as cool as we do.
Until then, there will be many more Margarita Sessions, texts, and late night phone calls, but we'll survive it all. :)
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