Last night, I decided to come home from work, grab a snack, and pop in the Sex and The City movie. I'm sure most women will agree that this movie has become a cult classic. Maybe you made a night of it as I did with about 10 of my girfriends. We dressed up, went out for dinner, saw the movie in a packed theater with no men, and then strutted our newly empowered stuff at a swanky club drinking and laughing the night away. If you didn't, I can honestly say you missed out. But I digress. I watched it again last night.
Because I was doing some work on the computer while watching it (the dreaded female multi-tasking), I didn't devote as much attention to it as I usually do. Ok, I'll be honest. I wasn't working...I was up til 2:30 am chatting with a new interest (a West Point graduate Army Captain) who couldn't sleep. Between this conversation and a certain line in the movie, my mind wheels started to churn. The line I am referring to is when Carrie and Miranda are shopping for a Halloween costume and Miranda says, "Witch or Sex Kitten; the only options for women!" and Carrie says, "Woah you just said a mouth full, sister." You know exactly what I'm talking about.
During this part of the movie, my conversation with The Captain turned to what I've dealt with in recent dating experiences. Mostly, it was men going cold...MIA if you will. After a few scenario questions and great answers from him, he asks me, "What kind of jerks have you been dating?" I had to laugh because I've been asking myself that question a lot lately too. But he told me that I haven't been asking too much out of the MEN I've been seeing: communication, follow-up, quality time. He told me that at West Point, they're taught honesty, integrity, and respect. I had to, sadly, aknowledge that those are becoming more and more rare qualities to find in a man.
Anyway, hearing what he was saying and thinking about our two SandTC options, I realized that I have been switching between both costumes for some time now and chosen to keep the classy 'little black dress' in the closet. You go out for a good time downtown and turn into a 'witch' because if one more guy grabs your butt, you're going UFC on him. And then you immediately can switch to 'sex kitten' when a hottie across the room catches your eye and you turn on your charm. This made me ask: Have we really reserved ourselves to these two shallow roles?
What happened to the fun girl? The girl who can carry on a conversation with anyone without preconceptions? The girl who wants to go home alone because then you can take up your whole bed! Where are my classy ladies!? That was one recurring theme with my Captain. He wants a classy woman. I want a gentleman with integrity. These two types are made for eachother.
I've heard it said that you "need to dress for the position you want." It's true in dating too. If you want a jerk or to be single forever, put on the 'witch' hat. If you just want meaningless sex, put on the 'kitten' heels. But if you want a man who will devote attention to you, care about you, talk to you, respect you, and invest good-intentioned energy into your relationship, then bring out the sexy but classy little black dress...in other words, change your mindset.
Hang up the costumes, take off the face paint, and be YOU. Be that fun girl, that classy girl, the athletic girl (you don't have to let him win all the time), the activist, the artist, the one who's not afraid to laugh, and most importantly: the one who's not afraid to stand firmly on being you.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Margarita Session...Make it a Double, Please.
Sunday afternoon, I got together with one of my best friends for our much needed Margarita Sessions. Usually we discuss the "joys" of dating in your mid-twenties over tequila laden Margs and greasy mexican food, but we had to settle for locally brewed beer and overpriced burgers this time. I think the lack of spice and south of the border liquor impacted our conversation because we didn't shatter any earth. Or, maybe it just took longer to take effect because earth was shattered on Tuesday. Ok, maybe not shattered but we chipped away at it...The text from my BF of "can u tlk" at 9:30 at night told me she needed me...or at least my ear.
We talked about her current relationship and some issues that had been stewing and finally came to a head as she was waiting for her boyfriend at his apartment while he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend who was in town. I'm not going to go into conversation specifics because it was a long talk, but I do want to explore what we discussed in the grand scheme of relationships and love. Ultimately, our conversation came down to one thing: it's ok to find someone that's on the same page at the same pace working towards the same goal as you are and that it's NOT OK to apologize for knowing what you want out of life and a partner.
We've all had relationships that we've stayed in and made excuses. Some have been bigger than others, but we've all done it. We know that we both want marriage and kids. In this general context, she and I are feeling the same way about what we want. I may be feeling it more strongly than she is, but nonetheless, we are in the same boat. Now, I understand that, on a first date, you NEVER bust out with "So I'm ready to get married and have babies. Are you? And when?" But, after 6 months or so of seriously dating someone, is it wrong to assess whether that man is ready to pursue that goal with you in the future? I say it's not. If you're on the marriage/kids path, the whole point of dating is to see if this man could be a potential life partner. If you realize at some point, that he is not the man that is ready to spend his life with you eventually, is it wrong to split or should you stick it out and see if he changes his mind? I say split.
At this point in our mid-twenties (25 & 26), I don't think it's too much to ask for a man to be ready to also assess the potential of forever. Actually, most of the men we are dating are 3-8 years older than we are so I REALLY don't think it's too much to ask. So, at 6 months into exclusivity in said relationship, is it better to assess the future potential of this mate now rather than waste a whole year only to find what you already knew at 6 months? Now, I'm not saying to give an ultimatium of engagement by now or you're out, but I do think it's ok to step back and take a long, hard look at your relationship. Interestingly enough, during this conversation, I got a text from an MIA guy I had been seeing off and on for a couple months but had already developed fairly strong feelings for him even though I tried to ignore it because I didn't feel that I was getting what I told him I needed from him.
I got on IM and we talked about the newest issue in his life which spurned me to transition into talk about us, what I needed from him, if he was willing to give it, and how he felt about me. Unfortunately, the conversation only solidified what I already knew in my gut. Long before 6 months or any talk of exclusivity, I had to assess the situation and remove myself from it. At first, I wanted to cry because the feeling of someone not returning the same feelings you have for them hurts. But, then, drawing on my conversation with my BF, I decided to NOT apologize for knowing what I want and instead decided to pat myself on the back for being able to make a conscious decision to stick to what I know I need. I guess the only thing I need now is my movie back from his house.
Some people might say that I have made a rash decision to take him out of my dating pool so soon, but I disagree. He made it very clear that he either could not or was not willing to give me what I need...whether it was now, 6 months, or a year down the road. Now, there is room for someone who will. I'm still not sure what my BF is going to do in her situation but I know she'll make the decision that's right for her just like I made the decision that's right for me. Even though we have our moments of weakness or self loathing, it's a great feeling to know that, overall, we have reached the point in our lives where we know what we want and that we're done feeling badly about it. Now, we just have to find the man that thinks that's as cool as we do.
Until then, there will be many more Margarita Sessions, texts, and late night phone calls, but we'll survive it all. :)
We talked about her current relationship and some issues that had been stewing and finally came to a head as she was waiting for her boyfriend at his apartment while he was having dinner with an ex girlfriend who was in town. I'm not going to go into conversation specifics because it was a long talk, but I do want to explore what we discussed in the grand scheme of relationships and love. Ultimately, our conversation came down to one thing: it's ok to find someone that's on the same page at the same pace working towards the same goal as you are and that it's NOT OK to apologize for knowing what you want out of life and a partner.
We've all had relationships that we've stayed in and made excuses. Some have been bigger than others, but we've all done it. We know that we both want marriage and kids. In this general context, she and I are feeling the same way about what we want. I may be feeling it more strongly than she is, but nonetheless, we are in the same boat. Now, I understand that, on a first date, you NEVER bust out with "So I'm ready to get married and have babies. Are you? And when?" But, after 6 months or so of seriously dating someone, is it wrong to assess whether that man is ready to pursue that goal with you in the future? I say it's not. If you're on the marriage/kids path, the whole point of dating is to see if this man could be a potential life partner. If you realize at some point, that he is not the man that is ready to spend his life with you eventually, is it wrong to split or should you stick it out and see if he changes his mind? I say split.
At this point in our mid-twenties (25 & 26), I don't think it's too much to ask for a man to be ready to also assess the potential of forever. Actually, most of the men we are dating are 3-8 years older than we are so I REALLY don't think it's too much to ask. So, at 6 months into exclusivity in said relationship, is it better to assess the future potential of this mate now rather than waste a whole year only to find what you already knew at 6 months? Now, I'm not saying to give an ultimatium of engagement by now or you're out, but I do think it's ok to step back and take a long, hard look at your relationship. Interestingly enough, during this conversation, I got a text from an MIA guy I had been seeing off and on for a couple months but had already developed fairly strong feelings for him even though I tried to ignore it because I didn't feel that I was getting what I told him I needed from him.
I got on IM and we talked about the newest issue in his life which spurned me to transition into talk about us, what I needed from him, if he was willing to give it, and how he felt about me. Unfortunately, the conversation only solidified what I already knew in my gut. Long before 6 months or any talk of exclusivity, I had to assess the situation and remove myself from it. At first, I wanted to cry because the feeling of someone not returning the same feelings you have for them hurts. But, then, drawing on my conversation with my BF, I decided to NOT apologize for knowing what I want and instead decided to pat myself on the back for being able to make a conscious decision to stick to what I know I need. I guess the only thing I need now is my movie back from his house.
Some people might say that I have made a rash decision to take him out of my dating pool so soon, but I disagree. He made it very clear that he either could not or was not willing to give me what I need...whether it was now, 6 months, or a year down the road. Now, there is room for someone who will. I'm still not sure what my BF is going to do in her situation but I know she'll make the decision that's right for her just like I made the decision that's right for me. Even though we have our moments of weakness or self loathing, it's a great feeling to know that, overall, we have reached the point in our lives where we know what we want and that we're done feeling badly about it. Now, we just have to find the man that thinks that's as cool as we do.
Until then, there will be many more Margarita Sessions, texts, and late night phone calls, but we'll survive it all. :)
Hear My BATTLE CRY
I want a man who knows what respect means.
I want a man who respects and values me.
I want a man who puts in the effort to gets to know me.
I want a man who understands that I'm way more than a "great rack" or "nice ass."
I want a man who can quietly tell me he thinks I'm beautiful.
I want a man who asks for my opinion.
I want a man who knows when to argue with me.
I want a man who knows when to just hold me tell me it'll be alright.
I want a man who can make me laugh.
I want a man that will never speak down to me.
I want a man who will challenge my faith and my intellect.
I want a man who can be silly.
I want a man who knows when to be serious.
I want a man who can take responsibility of his actions, thoughts, and words.
I want a man who respects and values me.
I want a man who puts in the effort to gets to know me.
I want a man who understands that I'm way more than a "great rack" or "nice ass."
I want a man who can quietly tell me he thinks I'm beautiful.
I want a man who asks for my opinion.
I want a man who knows when to argue with me.
I want a man who knows when to just hold me tell me it'll be alright.
I want a man who can make me laugh.
I want a man that will never speak down to me.
I want a man who will challenge my faith and my intellect.
I want a man who can be silly.
I want a man who knows when to be serious.
I want a man who can take responsibility of his actions, thoughts, and words.
I want a MAN.
I'm done with those who think "Damn you're fine" will get my attention.
I'm done with being viewed as just a nice "piece of ass."
I'm done with apologizing for having standards.
I'm done with being disrespected.
I'm done with keeping my mouth shut because I may offend an already bruised ego.
I'm done giving second and third chances.
I'm done with immature, horny, fragile egos posing as quality.
I'm done making excuses.
I refuse to go back into bondage.
I refuse to put myself on the back burner ever again.
I refuse to apologize for being smart.
I refuse to give another second of my time to the undeserving.
I refuse to lose myself.
I refuse to be distracted from what really matters.
I refuse to smile and pretend I'm interested.
I refuse to be a carbon copy bimbo.
Deal with it.
Deal with it.
Insight from "Better Single Than Sorry"
Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking, self reflecting, stepping back and listening in regards to many different areas in my life. During this time, multiple women in my life are making decisions at the same time that scare me for them. I know that we (women) have all been guilty of making bad choices with the men we date. If you say you've never dated a, well "non-winner," I don't believe you. But, the most important thing I think about these bad decisions is if we learn from them and stop repeating them. I feel like I have been growing a lot and regaining a sense of inner strength that I am trying to pass on to my girls.
I bought a book, recently, called Better Single Than Sorry. I wanted some light lunch/commute reading and it's been a great plethera of information. I would say that this book has been reinforcing what I already know more than teaching me what I didn't. It's interestting that my inner strength regained momentum and that I started in on this book right as my girls needed my help. I feel very blessed to have such amazing women around me; those that will ask for advice or counsel when needed and those that I can depend on for the same advice and counsel when I need it. And, most importantly, that we can be brutally honest with each other.
Here is the common trend that I am seeing: these phenomenal women are compromising themselves to be with jerks, they're making excuses to stay with them, then they wonder why it blows up in their face. I have had more than one teary "I can't believe this happened" phone call in my day. And, guilty as charged, I have also made those phone calls. I would like to hope I've learned by now. One such situation has been ongoing for awhile now but finally came to a head this morning when she found out that he has gone back to his ex, yet leads her on. It's amazing what we ignore when we're looking through the eyes of infatuation at a man. What is even more amazing is when we ignore the behavior or make excuses for it when we KNOW it's wrong and we should be running the other direction yesterday. It's sad when a woman will let a man treat her like crap because of the "but he" factor. "I know what he did was rude, but he buys me (fill in blank)" or "That time he stood me up and didn't call for 3 days sucked, but he is so hot." When you have to make excuses to justify being with someone, you shouldn't be with them.
I tried to tell that to my friend that I mentioned earlier. She would call me and complain about all the bona fide a-hole stuff this guy was doing to her then follow it up with a laundry list of "but he"s and tell me how sweet he can be. I asked her if she was trying to convince me or herself. She said a little of both. She admitted that she didn't want to be alone yet I found it amazing that she would rather be heartbroken and disappointed time and time again rather than tell this loser to hit the road! Hear me here: Ladies! When are we going to grow a set!? 99% of the women I know wouldn't put up with half the stuff from a female friend as they do with a man. We can set our boundaries with most people but when you get "Penial Distraction" all of a sudden you become a big blubbering wimp!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!
I'm also hearing this a lot: "I am just sick of being alone!" Oh honey, you're not alone! You have an amazing group of friends that would do anything for you and you're "alone!?" I know what they mean: it's nice to have someone to wake up next to, to have a solid date night with, to have a standing date to weddings, etc. But what are you compromising in the mean time just so you can have your Thursday night date!? And besides sex and a strong set of arms to wrap around you, what can a man give you that your best girl friends can't? Go see a movie, go out for dinner, take a vacation, go to a play or an opera, take a girl friend to a wedding, etc. Live your life around YOU and then find the man that fits into it. It pains me to see these women that I hold in such high regard (my self included)--these beautiful, capable, independent, funny, amazing women--are apologizing for being SO GREAT! They're compromising themselves, their standards, their values, their basic idea of how to be treated just to be with someone instead of waiting to be with the one who deserves them!!!
I could rant on forever, and I'm sure I'll return to this subject because it has been interesting me more and more and I see it all too often now that we're all getting old (mid 20s!!!!) and we are finally learning the truly hard lessons in love. I'm sure there will be many more margarita sessions, more tears, more yelling, and more learning from here on out. But, to the women in my life: YOU ARE AMAZING!!! DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO AWESOME, DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE, AND QUIT COMPROMISING YOURSELVES. If you didn't hear that or still don't quite understand, go get and read "Better Single Than Sorry."
I bought a book, recently, called Better Single Than Sorry. I wanted some light lunch/commute reading and it's been a great plethera of information. I would say that this book has been reinforcing what I already know more than teaching me what I didn't. It's interestting that my inner strength regained momentum and that I started in on this book right as my girls needed my help. I feel very blessed to have such amazing women around me; those that will ask for advice or counsel when needed and those that I can depend on for the same advice and counsel when I need it. And, most importantly, that we can be brutally honest with each other.
Here is the common trend that I am seeing: these phenomenal women are compromising themselves to be with jerks, they're making excuses to stay with them, then they wonder why it blows up in their face. I have had more than one teary "I can't believe this happened" phone call in my day. And, guilty as charged, I have also made those phone calls. I would like to hope I've learned by now. One such situation has been ongoing for awhile now but finally came to a head this morning when she found out that he has gone back to his ex, yet leads her on. It's amazing what we ignore when we're looking through the eyes of infatuation at a man. What is even more amazing is when we ignore the behavior or make excuses for it when we KNOW it's wrong and we should be running the other direction yesterday. It's sad when a woman will let a man treat her like crap because of the "but he" factor. "I know what he did was rude, but he buys me (fill in blank)" or "That time he stood me up and didn't call for 3 days sucked, but he is so hot." When you have to make excuses to justify being with someone, you shouldn't be with them.
I tried to tell that to my friend that I mentioned earlier. She would call me and complain about all the bona fide a-hole stuff this guy was doing to her then follow it up with a laundry list of "but he"s and tell me how sweet he can be. I asked her if she was trying to convince me or herself. She said a little of both. She admitted that she didn't want to be alone yet I found it amazing that she would rather be heartbroken and disappointed time and time again rather than tell this loser to hit the road! Hear me here: Ladies! When are we going to grow a set!? 99% of the women I know wouldn't put up with half the stuff from a female friend as they do with a man. We can set our boundaries with most people but when you get "Penial Distraction" all of a sudden you become a big blubbering wimp!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!
I'm also hearing this a lot: "I am just sick of being alone!" Oh honey, you're not alone! You have an amazing group of friends that would do anything for you and you're "alone!?" I know what they mean: it's nice to have someone to wake up next to, to have a solid date night with, to have a standing date to weddings, etc. But what are you compromising in the mean time just so you can have your Thursday night date!? And besides sex and a strong set of arms to wrap around you, what can a man give you that your best girl friends can't? Go see a movie, go out for dinner, take a vacation, go to a play or an opera, take a girl friend to a wedding, etc. Live your life around YOU and then find the man that fits into it. It pains me to see these women that I hold in such high regard (my self included)--these beautiful, capable, independent, funny, amazing women--are apologizing for being SO GREAT! They're compromising themselves, their standards, their values, their basic idea of how to be treated just to be with someone instead of waiting to be with the one who deserves them!!!
I could rant on forever, and I'm sure I'll return to this subject because it has been interesting me more and more and I see it all too often now that we're all getting old (mid 20s!!!!) and we are finally learning the truly hard lessons in love. I'm sure there will be many more margarita sessions, more tears, more yelling, and more learning from here on out. But, to the women in my life: YOU ARE AMAZING!!! DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO AWESOME, DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE, AND QUIT COMPROMISING YOURSELVES. If you didn't hear that or still don't quite understand, go get and read "Better Single Than Sorry."
In the Heat of Frustration
Why is it that men are so frustrating? They say that WE don't know what we want, but I'm convinced that THEY have no clue what they want. I find it amazing that men can say, with confidence, that they want a smart, beautiful, independent, confident, and fun woman but can't handle it when they get it. Some say that they want a family someday...maybe even someday soon...but can't find the simple words to tell his woman how he feels let alone commit to forever with her. Screw forever...can't even commit to plans more than 24 hours down the road! I don't understand how men can wage war, kill things, get in a bar fight like it's no big deal but turn into a big cowardly mass when it comes to women. Are we really that scary, boys?
They say that they want a woman who won't make them guess what's on her mind. A woman who won't say stupid stuff like, "Well, you should just know what's bothering me." But, when they are confronted with a woman who tells them like it is, they can't handle it. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" They say that they don't want a woman who's wrapped up in drama or plays games, yet they play more games than most women I know: saying sweet things, doing sweet things, making you feel like the only woman on earth, then nothing! No calling, no emails, no clue that they've even remembered you're alive let alone all the sweet things they just told you the day before.
When a MAN is confronted with a woman who puts it all out there: I like you, I want to see you, I want to spend time with you, etc. they freeze up. It's like they ENJOY when a woman treats them like crap and never lets them know where they stand with her. Yet it's these same women that end up being their biggest complaint when they finally land her into a relationship! I don't get it. Maybe it's because men like to think they've evolved past the caveman hunter days into the more "in touch" men of today, but they haven't. They SAY what they think they want, yet find it much easier to just club her over the head and drag her back to his cave...just like the buffalo he killed for dinner last night.
SO, you're looking for easy? No, wait, because if a woman is "easy" she's a slut that you have no respect for. But, if she doesn't put out, you don't call. Yeah, WE'RE confusing. I've heard that men are simple...not complicated...and that it's women who are confusing. Sure, we're a bit complex, but we have to be. If we're too simple...speak MAN language, then men freak out! It's like we're supposed to talk in woman code, get mad at you when you can't figure it out, let you complain that women are frustrating, and then all just get along in spite of all this!
I'm sick of it. I think men need to, well, MAN UP!!! You all wonder why there are so many jaded bitchy women out there...it's your fault. I'm not a man hater, but I'm seriously SICK TO DEATH of men strutting around acting holier than thou, and complaining about how women are confusing, bitchy, or just frustrating. Well, news flash guys: you're not helping the problem. It's amazing more women don't have bloodied foreheads from banging our heads against a wall!
Sorry it's a bit disjointed, but I had to rant. Women, I'm sure you feel me. Men, feel free to shed some light on this for all of us women who can't decided to strangle you or kiss you. One final growl and I'm done...for now. GGGRRRR!!!!!!
They say that they want a woman who won't make them guess what's on her mind. A woman who won't say stupid stuff like, "Well, you should just know what's bothering me." But, when they are confronted with a woman who tells them like it is, they can't handle it. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" They say that they don't want a woman who's wrapped up in drama or plays games, yet they play more games than most women I know: saying sweet things, doing sweet things, making you feel like the only woman on earth, then nothing! No calling, no emails, no clue that they've even remembered you're alive let alone all the sweet things they just told you the day before.
When a MAN is confronted with a woman who puts it all out there: I like you, I want to see you, I want to spend time with you, etc. they freeze up. It's like they ENJOY when a woman treats them like crap and never lets them know where they stand with her. Yet it's these same women that end up being their biggest complaint when they finally land her into a relationship! I don't get it. Maybe it's because men like to think they've evolved past the caveman hunter days into the more "in touch" men of today, but they haven't. They SAY what they think they want, yet find it much easier to just club her over the head and drag her back to his cave...just like the buffalo he killed for dinner last night.
SO, you're looking for easy? No, wait, because if a woman is "easy" she's a slut that you have no respect for. But, if she doesn't put out, you don't call. Yeah, WE'RE confusing. I've heard that men are simple...not complicated...and that it's women who are confusing. Sure, we're a bit complex, but we have to be. If we're too simple...speak MAN language, then men freak out! It's like we're supposed to talk in woman code, get mad at you when you can't figure it out, let you complain that women are frustrating, and then all just get along in spite of all this!
I'm sick of it. I think men need to, well, MAN UP!!! You all wonder why there are so many jaded bitchy women out there...it's your fault. I'm not a man hater, but I'm seriously SICK TO DEATH of men strutting around acting holier than thou, and complaining about how women are confusing, bitchy, or just frustrating. Well, news flash guys: you're not helping the problem. It's amazing more women don't have bloodied foreheads from banging our heads against a wall!
Sorry it's a bit disjointed, but I had to rant. Women, I'm sure you feel me. Men, feel free to shed some light on this for all of us women who can't decided to strangle you or kiss you. One final growl and I'm done...for now. GGGRRRR!!!!!!
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